Sometime ago I lost the thread of blogging.
Talking of losing the thread, I lost that in all other areas of my life for a while. After moving house, getting the boys settled in new schools, meeting up with old friends, I lost my way. I misplaced a part of my life I considered to be important to me. On a daily basis, I used to practice yoga, I meditated and listened to or read something positive to uplift my day. I would journal regularly too. Some how all that was lost in the upheaval of moving, settling and adapting. I stopped listening to my beloved Hayhouse Radio, I put on weight and became very inflexible due to the lack of daily yoga, started eating huge amounts of junk food and my blood pressure rose as a result. Not good. Not good at all. I sank into a depressive state, lost touch with some friends and went within myself. Non of that is good either. I had got myself a new allotment but even stopped visiting that after a while. After putting on weight, my hip problem reared its ugly head, and I didn’t get out much at all. I did the usual walk to school and back, to the local shops, but nothing much else. I started to hate myself. The girl who used to be stopped being her anymore. My self-esteem took a hard knock and as a result, I did everything on auto-pilot. I didn’t realise what was happening to me so I didn’t think anything was wrong as such. The Black Dog was here and the joy had gone out of my life. I enjoyed nothing: gardening held no pleasure, a day out was hard work, I didn’t cook great meals anymore, and my relationships were falling apart. I had no inclination to sew, write, create or socialize. Nothing. I had little interest in my home and I did just what was required of me and nothing more.
However, a little time ago, I spoke to someone who was going through the very same thing – she didn’t know that I was feeling like her – and she broke down in tears and told me her life was crap. Just that. Crap. But to me she had everything! Her hubby adored her, she had healthy, beautiful children, a job she loved and lived in a lovely area. Just like me. As I listened to her, I could hear myself. Not self-pity, no self-absorption and no woe-is-me. The joy had gone out of her life. She was everything to everyone in her life and it was too much.
There, but for me, go I.
We had a lovely chat over a cup of tea and she said she felt better for off-loading. I had a really good think.
Why had the joy left my life?
What pleasures did I have?
Why wasn’t I grateful for the beauty around me?
I started listening to myself, I went within and experienced some lightbulb moments.
When I had last had a good night’s sleep?
When I had last pampered myself?
When did I last go for a walk just for the pleasure of it?
When did I last watch a film all the way through?
What is it that I enjoy doing the most?
When did I actually do something just for myself?
I couldn’t remember the ‘when’ to any of those questions and many more besides. I took a few days to ponder on this and found myself wanting to do something about it. To take action. I saw myself in my friend and that gave me a jolt. The kick up the backside that I needed. It wasn’t one thing thing which kick-started me but a few baby steps: a little of updating my iPod to sync with Hayhouse Radio, getting out my yoga books and CD’s and exploring some short meditations. My mood became lighter, I felt better and more optimistic as the hours turned into lighter and brighter days. I am still working on it and getting better at just doing for myself again. I had been putting everyone else first, I had lost the ‘thread of me’ and that had to change. And change, it has.
I am Diane again. I am me again. I have picked up the thread again. I have lost some weight, I ache a lot less, walking isn’t a problem anymore and I often dance when no one is watching. I highly recommend it.
Website of the Day: Brian Johnson
